Today people are discovering what I've known about the Pirates for years: Though they are incompetent on practically every aspect of baseball, once they have you in the park they are absolute masters of in-park, off-field entertainment.

The impetus being the film of this recent add-on to the on-Jumbotron entertainment. In addition to being pitch perfect, it's important to note that around 2:18 in the clip Oliver Onion, the Emo pierogie, turns cannibal. The Pittsburgh Pirates. We will... devour our own.

Strangely, this wasn't the most upsetting mascot related thing I found today. No that's this site here, which appears to be Canada's preeminent supplier of nightmare fuel. To wit:

1. Here we see Christ substitute Kool-Aid Man welcoming Greenpeace into the harbor.
2. Something designed to traumatize children into a lifetime of littering because they're afraid the can will eat them.
3. The anime version of Jim Henson's Edward G. Robinson Babies
4. Norrin Radd for the Royal Canadian Mint.
5. All Glory to the Hypno-Cup.
6. Mr. Hydrolix, who caused me 15 minutes of Don Music-style fits trying to fit the letter K into the phrase "Xzibit drove by the crib and righteously pimped Jeff's new Q*bert."

and last, but certainly not least,
7. A mascot that utterly amazes me that it could be commissioned. Once you realize what it's advertising, it's utterly jaw-dropping that someone would either commission or wear it. The only purposes I can see for it are ads like in the Truth campaign, or as it looks like the picture was shot out of a doorway, a singing telegram of such spectacular awkwardness as to blast the entire industry back to the stone age, or at least before the days of polyphony.

Apparently, I still have Dabney Coleman buried in my basement.

Many years ago at one of the Ironheads I wrote a question that began "Try as he might, Dabney Coleman cannot escape Pittsburgh." in which I noted that Dabney Coleman managed to appear in Inspector Gadget, where the city was used for background, the Guardian, which used the city as setting, and some fairly awful TV movie where he played a kidnapped fashion designer, which used city cop cars. The question then insinuated that I had him tied up in my basement, which is a dirty lie. I don't even have a basement.

So when flipping through the channels this evening, I saw TNT had a new medical drama and the setting was an organ transplant unit at a Pittsburgh hospital. I then paged down in the listing, and we find the first episode's B plot is Treat Williams trying to become chief of surgery when his mentor and special guest star falls ill. Yup, Dabney Coleman really can't escape Pittsburgh.

On the other hand, this I KNOW is transgressive marketing.

In my drive-thru pickup order I got ad for Wendy's new burger monstrosity. (Their previous effort being the Bacon Mushroom Swiss melty thing that achieved its greatest publicity as being the burger David Hasselhoff was too drunk to eat.) They call it the Baconator. Now ordinarily I'd take this as a challenge. However, they've decided to promote it with the exact method of promotion I'd expect some advertising firm to do if they were forced to alert a neighborhood to a predator.

"Okay, so number one, we can't actually tell them about it, what we have to do is get the warning out about the Baconator without telling them about the Baconator. So we have them slip the flyers in their bags, put 'em under the salad on the tray. We need plausible deniability here. We want them finding out about the Baconator miles from here, so they can't ask questions about it. It's equally important that people know, but we can't be seen as knowing about it when it gets released."
"So what do we put in the flyer?"
"I don't care. Tell them it can sense fear. Tell them they need to be prepared, because the police can't or won't stop it."
"Sir, are you actually advocating vigilante consumption of the Baconator?"
"All I'm saying is I'm not letting my kids within a mile of the Baconator. If somebody else gets rid of it, so much the better."

I'm just trying to figure out if this is going to end up a Law & Order twist, or Chris Hansen gets takeout.

UPDATE: Just when I thought this was limited to Wendy's, Long John Silver's posting up signs saying that "MONSTER SHRIMP ARE COMING!"

I'm not sure if it's transgressive marketing, but I'm becoming convinced that whoever designed this year's Kennywood campaign is an exhibitionist.

Allow me to explain:
Kennywood is the local amusement park, it's fairly well known among roller coaster enthusiasts for its wooden coasters. This year they've decided to go with an ad for the park that includes the phrase "Kennywood's Open...Those words signal the beginning of summer for me."
One problem with this, in one of the more inexplicable etymologies of Pittsburghese, "Kennywood's Open" is common and/or polite euphemism for "your fly is open." So given the level of gusto and delivery of the ad, it certainly sounds like this guy is far too happy to be called out on it.

I have always thought of the Kool-Aid Man as some sort of artistic allegory of Christ. ("Take my blood and add just the right amount of sugar." If he wasn't arterial red I wouldn't have this issue.) I'm pleased to know I'm not alone in the bizarre symbology of advertising mascots. The entire suicidefood weblog (via boingboing) is excellent, but it's a special kind of crazy that sees the Death of Marat in a lobster pot.

Papers passed, "Who marked them last?"
Dumbass times have come, to my hometown.

Once again, we have two parties in Washington County, the idiots in charge, and the ineffective opposition.

I thought I felt a disturbance in the fraught somewhere south of me.

Okay, Bob Huggins is going to WVU? Prior home of Pacman Jones, Chris Henry, and couch burning celebrations. What can possibly go wrong? Light up the FraughtWatch.

I'm fairly certain this is going to turn into an ethics violation at some point, but I can't be sure if adding shoddy ethics to the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board's list of sins actually moves it up in status or not.

I'm this close to wanting to organize the Pennsylvania Pennsylvania Control Board Control Board.

Apparently, if you're not a Pirate fan, this is painful to read. If you'd like to simulate what it felt like for me to read it: Get a brick. Every time you scroll down while reading, smack your temples with the corner of the brick, then drag it across your eyes, then smash your other hand with it. Now realize your pain is your fault and you could have prevented it. That's about what it feels like.

So what you're saying in this article is: Zapp Branigan was right and you can't trust those neutrals?

Good to know.

The thing I'm trying to figure out:

Pacman Jones goes into a strip club with a guy with a gun, "makes it rain" by having $81,ooo in singles thrown onto the stage, has an argument, leaves, and three people get shot.

Should I be:
--Disturbed
--Sadly not surprised
--Ticked because he took the "Million Dollar Chance of a Knifetime" idea, made it palatable to Fox (add Vegas, strippers, and guns...it seems so obvious in retrospect), and brought it in under budget?

The three most dangerous words you can hear in one phrase may well be Pennsylvania...Control...Board.

Following up on last entry, I present: The problem of Trivial Psychic Powers.
Sure, you're right, but what good is it? Low hanging fruit remains low hanging fruit.

Notes on the interim (so I don't whiff and have an empty month on my archives):

1. Fraughtwatch needs updating, not only because of the fall of K-Fed, but because I'm getting such a strong fraught reading off of CBS' Armed and Famous that I'm convinced it can only end in tears. How about we call it what it is: Has-been Empowerment through Superior Firepower.

2. Watched The Lady From Shanghai, it's a good movie but I can ruin it for you with one statement. Orson Welles' performance in this film was stolen and misappropriated twenty years later by William Shatner.

3. The first most stressful item in my life is no longer a problem. I'm off all defcons.

4. Amazing thing about Pennsylvania, they won't support a bankrupt city getting an arena for free, but they will pay for one if the tenant will put up $60 million, and then they'll give them the tenant all the revenue, effectively nullifying whatever tax the bankrupt city could collect. I'm not sure what to make of the winning bid for the casino. It's not placed in a location that works with other things (It's further away from downtown than the stadiums, meaning less chance of rebuilding downtown with foot traffic. It's also totally wrong for the plans to extend the subway onto the North Shore, since you can't put a line down to the casino, without either tearing up the roads around the stadiums, or tearing up the stadium. Therefore more traffic only going there.) and I don't think they'll make the money they think down there.

From the, this is cool, but it's going to get really annoying really quick department:

The door to the stairwell nearest to me at work has started to squeak.

It's squeaking about five notes of Ravel's Bolero.

This is slowly going to drive me insane.

They've instituted this at work, as part of our health plan, in an attempt to get engineers to eat healthier. The idea behind it being, they buy the produce in at the warehouse, and then ship it out to our offices, which they claim will shave 5-7 days off the time between the food being picked and used (since it won't sit at the store). I'm not certain it's going to work for them, today's first delivery had five packages sent to an office of 300. However, my pickup order today, which helps cover my share of work for Thanksgiving dinner did afford me the opportunity to say something I've never said before.

"Yes, I guess these are handsome yams."

Well, tomorrow I'm supposed to vote or something. I'm trying to contain my enthusiasm. I've described this election to people using by paraphrasing Ron Burgundy. "What, the Democratic Party crapped in my refrigerator and then ate a wheel of cheese?" Because that's about how I feel, to wit.

Governor: I don't figure Ed's in any danger, so I don't have to feel any guilt about voting for Swann. Since all I was asking for in this election was someone to hold Rendell accountable on the casino deal in Pittsburgh, and it looks like that got taken care of by rumors of Harrah's getting bought out. (Harrah's was the expected winner until that point, despite the fact that their plan would have done two things, further congest the Station Square area, while leaving the rest of the city untouched by modern commerce, and prove their campaign contributions to Ed were well spent. Suddenly rumors of them getting bought appear, and Isle of Capri's plan looks bloody sensational.) Not that I like Swann much (Scranton would have been a better candidate, but he's dogged by allegations of independent thought), but since I figure Rendell's pencilled in as VP timber, and our LG's most notable action has been going to veteran's funerals uninvited and bringing cameras to apologize for Pennsylvania's role in the war. (My one encounter with her was at the Adios, where she had come to the people to say she had been misquoted... on camera. The oddest bit of this was my turning to the next table, seeing former KDKA radio John Cigna, and having the moment when the two of us both looked at each other to say, "Do you believe this? No, you? No. Didn't think so. Well, then enjoy the racing. You too.")

Senate: About three years ago someone pointed out that you could run a cardboard cutout against Rick Santorum and it would win. I just wish the Democrats hadn't taken that so literally. I watched Bob Casey's run for the governorship in 2002, and I wasn't convinced the man existed except as a place holder for his father (the former governor, and the guy who saw his name used, against his permission, to get two other people named Robert Casey elected to state office. I wish I was kidding, but that's Pennsylvania.) I'm now stuck with three interpretations of what he will do in the Senate, none of which are particularly flattering.
- Inanimate Carbon Rod. Non-threatening, and will do nothing.
- Follow Rendell's lead. That's not going to turn me on at all.
- Follow his father's example. That is be culturally conservative to the point of driving the Democrats nuts. If this is the truth, I'm stuck between voting for a hard-core Catholic conservative who only will apply himself to social issues, or Rick Santorum. This is the Ron Burgundy moment for me: "I'm not even mad. That's amazing!" How can they manage to come up with a candidate that I can reasonably safely ignore Santorum's social positions, and consider it on a purely economic vote? (Please note, I don't want the Democrats driven nuts either, there's no spite involved in this. It's just if the results on one part of the platform are going to be identical, and counter to what I want, those need to be thrown out.)

I guess I'm ticked because I thought the plan was working out last year. Everybody (or at least I and Ed Rendell) figured Barbara Hafer was going to run on the Democratic ticket. She's had a better record of office holding than Casey, for a longer time, is a former Republican (she swapped in 2002 or 2003 when Kerry ran because she's friends with Teresa Heinz-Kerry), and has not been nailed on any corruption things. (Note: neither has Casey, and well, neither has Ed.) Nice bipartisan win-win. But she decided not to run late in the cycle. And now we're stuck with this. At this point, abstention is looking good. After all, do I like Santorum, not really. Do I like Casey, no, not at all.

Downticket: I hope someone is putting the ads up on YouTube for this year, because Pennsylvania has basically been more instructive for training a pitbull than informing the public.

Democrat ad, only slightly simplified: All you have to remember in this election is that I'm the Democrat. That is the Republican. [Image of elephant] Remember, I'm the Democrat, that is the Republican. [Image of elephant] You don't need to care who I am but I endorse this message.

No discussion of issues, no candidate mentioned beyond the small print. I think the elephant logo is running in sixteen districts. I'm more concerned because I think there were a couple places where people were running unopposed. I'm actually nostalgic for good old fashioned hideous black and white photography, and morphs into (Bush/Ted Kennedy/Mussolini).

I figure I'll just vote for whomever hasn't attacked anyone yet. Yeah, that probably means I'm just voting for the unopposed.

Design Flaw of the interim:
The post office that I go to on my lunch break has now instituted the rule that it can't give out more than $5.00 in change. I guess they got sick of people complaining about getting a fistful of Sacajaweas. So when I went in at lunch today, I found myself in a quandary. I didn't mind getting two booklets of stamps, but because I had only $20s and singles, I couldn't actually work the machine. Even though I was only going to require $4.40 in change, because it was broken up by the programming into two transactions, I couldn't get it to let me have my stamps.

I don't know if I'm more sensitive to these programming glitches because I spend my work day trying to prevent them, or if I'm just becoming less sensitive to it as time goes on.

I run into the strangest examples of Pennsylvania politics on occasion. I had rented Charlie Chan in London, and ran across the documentary on the disc. Right in the middle of it, they show the influence the character had, by showing a political ad to be run in theatres, with Charlie Chan urging the residents of Pennsylvania to overturn the state ban on showing films on Sunday. Nothing much to say beyond that, it was just a moment of amazingly incongruous reality that had to be shared.

Now I'm not saying that this will escalate, and it looks like they're calm and rational now, but I have to think we need to put a pushpin on this. If in 50 years we have to write the great history of the decline and fall of fun in America, the day that one team called animal control on the other team's mascot should be a chapter. I'd call fraught on the whole situation, but I think this one can resolve itself. However, it is standing right up against, to borrow the MST3k definition, "a whole weird area here", where all manner of insanity could reign (in the forms of lawyers, animal control, PETA, the NCAA's previous ruling on Native American names, and vengeful SEC football fans. A powderkeg if ever there was.)