Because there's no way to write into a tossup without completely mangling the central joke upon which it would hang. ("February 4, April 1,...")
I give you the best meaningless city proclamation of 2006.

Quite simply this is the best story I've ever seen on local news. No comedy writer could script this. The levels of "seriously, WTF?" in this is tremendous. Best subtext point for me is "wait, the woman was going to use this? Wouldn't that be even more suspicious?"

I think this would explain why you do ask for the Original Whizzinator by name.

I'd just like to demonstrate my sympathy for the microwave in this case. It was just doing its job.

Randomized thoughts, because random's all I got left at this point.

Okay, defcon 5 on the crazy here now. And I'm insulated because the majority of people I'm working with aren't natives of the area. We've seen people inducing labor so the game won't be missed, a mad quest for people to get T-shirts saying "Drink Like A Champion Today" mimicking our quarterback, who has now successfully cultivated the image of "doofus with an arm", which is much better than the Peyton Manning "really good arm, but possibly slightly retarded" image. (D-Caf indeed.)

Bill brought up two important notes this week. First of all, people will ask celebrities things because they are celebrities. Seriously, did we need to know what Placido Domingo's pick is, if he's not singing it? And Phyllis Diller's alive? And Senator Kerry still hasn't learned the "Pittsburgh's Own" meme is like calling Godwin on your own argument. It only works ironically now.

The second bit Bill brought up. Phil, the groundhog, wore a Terrible Towel. Given that my dad is convinced that Gus, the PA Lottery groundhog is Rendell's illegitimate son, given a cushy government job, this just puts the whole governor's race in prospective. We now have a Steelers candidate and an Eagles candidate, why not have a Steelers groundhog and an Eagles groundhog?

When you're 6 years old, and in quick succession you see your teams, which admittedly, you hadn't followed all that much, pull off a World Series and a Super Bowl, your bearings get knocked off. At this point I'm trying to figure if it's the crazy stuff I'm noticing, or that I'm so crazy at this point the only moderately crazy stuff looks totally normal.

While the panic has set in with the tweaked ankle of Troy (insert Achilles' heel jokes here), I'm still more concerned about the injury possibly suffered by Dan Kreider. Mostly because we don't have a backup fullback, but also because he clears the lane there, and all our running backs need that from time to time. Comparatively, the injury, however slight, ruins my line for the playoffs.
"Witness the power of a fully functional Pola-mullet." If he's not fully functional, that's just hard to say.

Last time they did this I was sitting in my apartment in Ithaca. They didn't win. I'm going back home this weekend, I don't want to jinx it.

If everything works perfectly, Steelers 35, Seahawks 13. Why that? Because I have 5-3 in the pool.